


No One Sees Me

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Loneliness, M/M, Self Harm, larzaylea is fake in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 11:06:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5537585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael's tried to open up about it. He sees a therapist, he's mentioned it on stage in front of thousands of people, he's talked to Ash about it because he understands. But it continues to get swept under the rug. Ashton and Bryana are still together. Luke is allegedly dating Arzaylea. Calum looks great naked. That's all he hears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One Sees Me

Michael's tried to open up about it. He sees a therapist, he's mentioned it in front of thousands of people, he's talked to Ash about it because he understands. But it continues to get swept under the rug. Ashton and Bryana are still together. Luke is allegedly dating Arzaylea. Calum looks great naked. That's all he hears.

So maybe they don't know about the cutting. He just feels like maybe even plain old depression should be taken seriously. 

Perhaps they're passing it off as homesickness. Maybe they think he's just slightly more down than they are. Maybe Ashton wants to give him space and not talk about it. It's not that he wants the whole world to talk about his mental health (or lack thereof), it's just that he would like it if his issues would be acknowledged. 

That nagging voice in the back of his head tells him that maybe his issues just don't matter. He buries himself under the blankets and tries to pretend he can't hear it. 

He mopes for a while, allows himself some self pity, and then takes a cold shower. He realizes after a while that he internalizes too much. Maybe he's at fault. Or maybe it  _doesn't_ matter. Maybe he doesn't matter. 

He adds to the lines on his wrist. No one questions the bracelets, do they. He could be stark naked and still have the bracelets but no one says a thing. Maybe that's for the best. Maybe him wanting to get caught, to be found out, is him being an attention whore and just proving that voice, and everyone else, right. 

He can't blame the fans for not talking about him. Ash and Bry are a great couple. Michael envies their happiness. Calum does look good naked, though that's not all there is to him, so that sort of pisses Michael off. And he really doesn't blame the fans for talking about Luke and Arzaylea because the relationship is quite honestly bull shit. That's not jealousy talking- at least not  _only_ jealousy. 

Okay, so he's in love with Luke. To be perfectly honest, no one should be surprised. But then again, he's great at internalizing things. Maybe nobody knows. That's what he tells himself when he's feeling really stupid and embarrassing. Internalize, internalize, internalize. That fixes everything.  

He wonders when he became 5 Seconds of Summer's poster boy only to the people who hate them, and why people despise him so much, but then he remembers that he's kind of disgusting and stupid and ugly, and he suddenly can't eat the bowl of cereal in front of him. 

He leaves it sitting on the counter and curls back up in his bed. He's alone in the house he shares with his band mates, as he's the first to arrive. They'll be gone another two days, so he's got plenty of time to sulk until he fully internalizes everything again and stops being outwardly dramatic. 

He's just so lonely.

 

 

 

Luke's on his way when Michael gets hit with the guilt. He's still got a bit of sulking time left, so he wrestles with it. 

Luke is the one stuck in a fake relationship with a girl he doesn't even know. Luke is the one having to pretend to be interested in someone of a gender he's not usually attracted to personally. Michael's at least bi, it's easier for him. 

He's successfully moved on from wallowing in self pity to wallowing in self hatred when he hears Luke downstairs. 

Plan A- pretend to be asleep. 

It takes a little while but Luke knocks on his door like always and comes in without waiting for an answer like always. He doesn't seem to buy the fake sleep, or he doesn't care if Michael's awake or not. He simply crawls into the bed, lifting the blankets to slip under and wrap his arms around Michael. 

"I missed you," he says softly. 

Michael's brain is confused. Sometimes it doesn't work properly and he has to take time to fix his thinking. "I missed you too," he says instead of 'why?'. He wouldn't miss himself if he was absent. It doesn't seem logical.

"How have you been?" Luke asks, and his voice is soft. Michael is glad his back is facing Luke because the simple question is stinging at his eyes, causing tears to fall. 

"O-okay. You?"

He hopes that the crack in his voice didn't reveal too much. But Luke pulls gently at his shoulder, his actions asking Michael to turn. 

"Hey; what's going on?" 

Michael stubbornly refuses to face Luke. "Nothing, why?"

Luke pulls his arms away from Michael and leans up to look at him. 

"Michael, why are you crying?" Luke's face turns dark and frowns, looking genuinely upset at the idea. "Michael, what happened?"

Michael covers his face and tries to turn away but Luke pulls him back. "Nothing, I'm just tired."

"Michael..." Luke sighs loudly and then scoops him up into a tight, wonderful hug. Michael so badly needed one. "You've been off for a while and I didn't want to push but you need to talk about it. You can't just let it eat away at you. Please, why are you crying?"

Michael just buries his face in Luke's neck and breathes. He just breathes. He feels as if he hasn't breathed in a while, as if he was turned into some sort of zombie that didn't feel or eat or anything. 

"Michael," Luke begs, and suddenly Michael wonders if he was just that good at brushing things off. Maybe Luke actually does care and just  _couldn't_ notice when Michael had hidden it so well. 

"I'm not-" he stops, unsure. "I'm not okay."

Luke nods and rubs gentle circles in his back. "I know, Mikey, I know. The dishes on the counter are full of untouched food and your smile doesn't meet your eyes anymore and you're crying. I know. Just let me help."

"I don't know how to," Michael whispers. "I talked to Ash for a while but I hate to bother him. I don't know how to explain anything."

"What do you need?" Luke asks, and god, does Michael love him. He doesn't care about what people say- Luke is a loving person who genuinely cares about everyone. He's one of the only people who's been able to make Michael feel like maybe even he matters.

"I think...." He chokes on his words. He cannot condense the huge problem of depression into a few simple words. He can't just say that he's come close to killing himself or that his left wrist is littered with cuts and scars on a daily basis. "Everything is big. It's too big. And I am small."

And Luke, bless his heart, seems to understand.

"Oh, Mikey..." he pulls away to push Michael back onto the bed before laying by him and pulling him close again. Michael buries his face in Luke's chest and Luke just threads his fingers in Michael's hair. "You've never been small to me."

"I'm not important," Michael mumbles, and Luke clings to him tighter.

"You're more important than you will ever know. You've gotten me through so much, Michael. Getting famous, playing for thousands of people, going out with Arzaylea, that shit article...you're one of the few people who knows pretty much everything about me and I'm glad for that. Because you've always been there for me."

Some of what Luke is saying doesn't add up with Michael's view of the world. "But I'm invisible."

"No, no, you're not, Michael. I see you, I've always seen you."

"Then why hasn't anyone seen me falling apart..." Michael says, and it's so soft that Luke almost doesn't catch it. But he does, and it breaks his heart.

"I have," he says. "I just don't know what to do. What can I do, Mikey? Tell me what to do."

He's begging, and Michael's not sure what to say. 

"I've tried to open up about it," he says finally. "But when I try to tell people that I am depressed, there's always something more important. Something funny or cute or a better news story. I don't- I don't want everyone to drop everything and focus only on me, or anything, I just- I'm so lonely. And I can't explain why."

"None of those things are more important than you, Michael. They never will be. You've just always internalized things so much that it takes us a while to find out that anything is wrong. But that's on us, because we've taken too long. We let ourselves get too busy to notice, and that's our fault. And I'm so, so sorry for that. I know it's late, but I'm here now, so tell me- what's going on in your head?"

"There's too much- I- I don't know what to say."

"How do you feel?"

"Sad, angry, depressed... Sometimes apathetic, and that's the worst. That's when I want to k-"

He stops. He's unsure as to what he should say and what he shouldn't.

"Want to what?" Luke asks with a tremor in his voice. He's probably formulated an educated guess. 

"Nothing."

"Do you ever feel happy?" 

Michael pauses to think. "Sometimes. Sometimes I forget about what worries me most or I distract myself enough to ignore the sadness and I do feel happy in those moments. But they're brief and rare."

"How did I- fuck, how did I not know?" Luke chokes out. He sounds angry and Michael can tell its at himself. "I should have seen."

"It's okay, no one else sees."

"That doesn't make it better," Luke says sadly. "What else am I missing?"

Michael clings tighter to Luke but says nothing. Luke's heart sinks.

"Whatever it is, it's not good, is it."

Michael shakes his head.

"Does Ash know what it is?"

Again, Michael shakes his head. 

"Does anyone?"

"No." 

"Michael, don't keep it all to yourself." Luke's voice cracks and Michael feels it in his chest. "You don't have to tell me but please, talk to Ash or Cal or-"

"I self harm."

And then it's out there. He says it against the warm skin of Luke's neck, but it feels like the words catapulted into the sky and resounded throughout the world. 

Luke pulls back and looks at Michael in alarm. "You- you what?" he chokes out in a trembling voice. 

Michael buries his face in his hands. He never wants to see Luke's white, terrified face again. 

After a moment, gentle hands cover his and pull them away from his face. Luke leans in, his eyes searching Michael's so closely he feels naked, and there's heartbreak written all over his face. 

"It's your left wrist, isn't it," he says brokenly. Michael simply nods. 

Luke sits up, pulling Michael with him until they're facing each other. Then he takes Michael left arm into his hands, gently setting it into his lap. 

Michaels not sure why, but he doesn't stop Luke when he begins to untie the first bracelet. He's unbelievably gentle and loving as he slowly removes each one, though his hands begin to shake when the first scar becomes visible. By the time the last bracelet comes off, Luke is bowed over Michael's arm, tears running freely down his cheeks. Michael remains silent. 

"You know," Luke says, his voice cracking, "you always felt more than anyone else did. About everything. And I love that about you, but it doesn't have to- it doesn't have to turn into this. The last thing I have ever wanted to see is you in pain of any kind. You can't do this to yourself."

Michael is at a loss for words. Normally he can throw them out. He can choke up bullshit to deflect questions and make people believe he's fine with witty one liners. But he doesn't want to be that person with Luke. Luke is being real in this moment, and Michael wants to be real too.

"I don't want to, anymore," he says. "But I can't help it."

"Things are gonna change," Luke swears to him, his eyes meeting Michael's as if he's desperate to show his sincerity. "I've always seen you but I swear I'm gonna do a better job of showing it. You're- fuck, Michael, sometimes you're the only thing I see at all."

"What do you mean?" Michael asks, confused. 

Luke takes both of Michael's hands in his and looks down at them like he can't meet Michael's eyes. "I mean that to me you are the most important person in the world. I mean that I feel things for you that I've never felt for anyone, at least not nearly this deeply. I mean that when I'm lonely I wish you were there and when I'm happy I wish you were there and when I'm angry I wish you were there because you make the bad good and the good better. You make me a better person and a more confident person and a happier person, and fuck, Michael, I wish I could do the same for you."

Michael feels as if all of the air has been sucked out from his lungs. He must be dreaming, this can't be right. "Wha-what?"

His hands are shaking, he realizes, and Luke folds them into his larger ones and holds them close to his chest. 

"I'm in love with you."

He says it simply. He's looking Michael in the eyes again and the amount of love in his blue ones makes Michael feel as if he can't bear to look. He's never seen that much love in one look before, and certainly never directed at him. 

"Michael?" Luke asks, a hint of concern on his face. "You stopped breathing."

Then everything rushes back in. Michael can breathe and Luke loves him and everything just might get better. 

"I'm in love with you too- I think I've always been."

Luke's face lights up like the sun and Michael feels as if it's reflecting onto him, as if he's the moon. Luke lets out a happy laugh and leans forward to rest his forehead against Michael's. A small smile slips onto Michael's face and Luke leans forward to feel it against his lips for the first time, releasing Michael's hands to caress his face. It's a deep kiss, and Michael thinks that he might feel it in his soul. 

The first thing that Luke does after they break apart is gently touch his scarred skin again.

"I love you," he says.

"You shouldn't." Michael feels the high from the kiss begin to fade a bit. 

"Don't say that." Luke's expression is tortured. "I should have shown you sooner- I...please don't say that. You deserve all of the love in the world, Michael Clifford."

"But I'm scarred, I'm always down about something, I'm not right-"

"You know," Luke says, "I'm in love with this boy called Michael Clifford. He's beautiful. If you meet him, you remember him. He's been shaped by the good times in his life and he's been shaped by the bad times in his life, and they're equally important. His problems don't define him but they are part of him, and as such I love them along with him. I don't love him in spite of his scars, I love him _and_ his scars. I love him. I love all of him so fucking much, and you know what? I think I always will."

"Luke..."

Luke smiles brightly at him. "He's the best guitar player I've ever had the pleasure of working with. Did you know he's in my band? I'm fucking lucky. He's in my band, he's my best friend, and he just told me that he's in love with me too. I don't believe I've ever heard more beautiful words come from a more beautiful person. I just wish he could understand that." 

"I love you, god, I love you," Michael tells him, flinging his arms around his neck and holding on tightly. "I've never loved another person like this. But-"

"But what?"

"Am I worth the trouble?" Michael asks softly. 

"Michael Gordon Clifford, I would give up music for you. To hell with people who don't like it, or anything that gets thrown our way, because now that I have you, nothing short of you falling out of love with me could make me let you go. I'm sure as hell gonna love you forever." 

Michael takes a moment to let it all sink in. His whole world just turned upside down, and he thinks he likes the difference. 

"What did I do to deserve you?" He asks.

"I was asking myself the same thing," Luke says, and Michael can hear the smile in his voice. "The answer for you is 'everything,' and the answer for me is 'nothing.' But I'm going to take care of you now, Michael. I swear."

"You don't have to. I don't want to be a burden."

"I know I don't have to. But I want to- I'd love to. Let me take care of you."

"Okay," Michael whispers. "Okay."

 

 

 

He has a long talk with Ashton later.

"Oh, Michael... Michael, you should have told me-" Ashton swoops him up in a hug and Michael cherishes the moment. He's known Calum most of his life. He's in love with Luke. And he and Ash have an understanding of each other that most people cannot comprehend. Maybe the roads that got them here are different, but they understand each other's pain on a different level. They've got matching scars and smiles that have struggled through tears and brains that most people think are messed up, and they're starting to do okay. 

It takes a while to ease some of Calum's guilt at having never noticed, but Michael is learning to communicate and discovering how much it can help him when he communicates with the right people. 

He still feels invisible sometimes, but he's learned that they've all struggled with that feeling. And he's learning that none of them are. He's starting to think that the real fans are the ones that see past the fame, the ones that believe in them, the ones that understand their music and know that they're just four boys who fuck up a lot but mean well. Luke saves him, Ashton saves him, Calum saves him. His family and friends and the fans save him. 

But, most importantly, he makes the choice to save himself. And that's where healing starts.


End file.
